Music for Emotion Regulation

Have you ever had the experience of being somewhere, or driving in your car, and that one song comes on and suddenly you are bawling, connecting to every word and every note in that song? Music is powerful, and we relate to it in so many ways. There are pieces that make us feel alive and energized, music that helps us work out, music that connects us spiritually, music that makes us feel all the feels, music that helps us meditate or be more fully present.

We know this about music, which is why many of us curate what we’re listening to at different times. We intuitively know what music matches our mood, or our aspirational mood, our energy, or our environment. Which is why I want to share a way of curating music to help with emotion regulation. 

Emotion regulation is the practice of self-soothing, or employment of coping strategies to reduce the intensity of an emotional state. Many of us have regulation skills we’ve been taught from elementary school, like ‘count to ten’ or ‘go for a walk.’ Some emotions are easier to regulate than others, or seem to dissipate naturally for us. Sometimes, we feel like we get stuck in an emotion for longer than we want to. When I think about experiencing emotions, I think of a wave - a build up, a cresting of the fullness of that feeling, and then a receding of that feeling back to a more neutral state. Emotional states are typically short term experiences, which make them much more tolerable to us as we feel the wave crest and recede. However, there are times that we feel suspended in that crest - and that place is where we say things we regret, do things we regret, and act out in emotion that we wouldn’t do if we were not feeling that way. It’s in these kind of states that we can use different coping strategies to help ourselves regulate, and sooth to bring us back down to a manageable place emotionally. 

Music can be the tool for this experience. Because music can convey emotional content so well, we can use that property to allow music to move us through a feeling, and ferry us back down the other side. We do this by identifying three steps in the emotional process: Validation, Soothing, Empowerment. We start with songs that validate our emotional experience because our emotions are valid! You deserve to feel the fully canvas of your emotions, and by validating through the music, we allow a space for that emotion to be expressed without denying or shoving that emotion down (just to explode on another day). Once we have the chance to actually express that emotion through the music, we engage with songs that gently bring us down. We want to choose songs with slower tempos, that have a soothing message, that are supportive and encourage you to engage with your breath and body to calm down. Once we feel like we’ve made it to a calmer state, we want to end our experience on a note that empowers us. Perhaps it is a song that motivates, or uplifts, or maybe it’s just your favorite song that makes you feel good when you listen to it. The last songs on this playlist are where you want to be, it’s the final message to yourself. 

So what does this playlist look like? Here's an example. Let’s say I have difficulty regulating sadness. I just feel like when I go to that dark place, I have a really hard time getting back out. Here is an example playlist I might create for that experience:

1. Hurt - Johnny Cash

2. Breathe Me - Sia

3. Fix You - Coldplay

4. Let It Be - The Beatles

5. Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwoʻole

6. Fight Song - Rachel Platten

It starts with two songs that really let me cry it out, or just feel that sadness deeply resonate. I then transition into two more songs that slowly decrease that emotion, that slow down my response and allow me to connect with my breath. My last two songs start to uplift me, send me a message of hope and empowerment to move forward now that I’ve fully expressed that feeling. 

The great thing about this kind of playlist, is that you are the expert. You know what songs resonate with you for each section, and so you can fully customize this tool for your own use, and your own emotional experiences. And the best thing is you can have more than one playlist. Create different playlists for different feelings, or different shades of the same feeling. There is so much music out there, and you can curate it to fit your emotional experience. 

Here are some recommendations of using an emotion regulation playlist for yourself. 

1. Keep it relatively short - This example is 6 songs takes 25 minutes to listen to fully. Think about how much time you might have to actually sit down and listen to your music in a way that you can mindfully engage. 25 minutes or even 15 minutes is sometimes all we have. Edit your playlist to reflect how much time total you really have to engage with it this way.

2. Make it ahead of time - Create your playlist when you’re in a good state of mind so you can make thoughtful choices for your songs. Also, when you’re already in the middle of an emotion - you’re more likely to hit repeat on all the sad songs instead of moving through. So set yourself up for success and make it ahead of time. 

3. Avoid songs that are triggering - Any songs that are triggering for you, avoid in this context. We want to acknowledge the feeling and move through it. Triggering songs can make us feel even more out of control, so in this context, just avoid them.

So what would your playlist look like? What emotions would work best for this kind of regulation tool? Send us your playlists or comments or questions.